Call 911, then the Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline at 800-422-4453. Do not question the child in detail first, because repeated questioning by untrained adults can compromise a later forensic interview. Get them safe, then get guidance.
The first minute
Of everything on this page, the first response matters most. RAINN’s guidance for friends and family, and the disclosure research behind it, point the same way: survivors who are believed and supported when they first tell someone fare better over time than those who are doubted, blamed, or quietly managed. You can offer that in thirty seconds, before you know a single fact and before anyone has decided anything.
Say this
- “I believe you.”
- “It was not your fault.”
- “Thank you for telling me.”
- “What do you need from me right now?”
- “You don’t have to tell me any more than you want to.”
Not this
- “Why didn’t you tell me sooner?”
- “Are you sure that’s what happened?”
- “Why were you there / why did you go back?”
- “I’m going to kill him.”
- “We need to call the police right now.”
- Detailed questions about what exactly happened
The items in the second column are not cruel. Most of them come from love or from panic. But each one shifts the conversation to your reaction, adds a question the survivor now has to manage, or makes a decision that is not yours to make. The reason people stop mid-disclosure is almost always something in that column.
Do not take over
Abuse is, at its core, the removal of someone’s control over what happens to them. A well-meaning family member who immediately calls the police, confronts the abuser, or tells relatives repeats that structure, with better intentions and the same effect.
For an adult survivor, every decision is theirs: whether to report, whether to sue, who is told, and when. Your job is to offer, to help them get information, and to still be there whatever they choose.
For a minor who is currently at risk, protection comes first, but tell them what you are doing and why, rather than acting behind them.
It can put you or the survivor in danger, prompt the destruction of evidence, compromise a criminal investigation, and expose you to legal risk. Whatever satisfaction it offers is brief and the costs are not. Get advice first.
If a child was targeted online
The instinct is to delete the account and erase every trace of it. Do the opposite, because that material is the evidence.
- Do not delete anything. Not the account, not the app, not the messages.
- Capture everything. Screenshot usernames, profiles, server names, and message history. If you cannot screenshot, photograph the screen with another device.
- Write down dates and platforms. Which service, when it started, when it moved elsewhere.
- Report to the platform and to the National Center for Missing & Exploited Children's CyberTipline.
- Ask about a preservation letter. An attorney can formally obligate a platform to stop routine deletion of the relevant records.
Our Roblox and Discord pages explain the pattern these cases follow and what the state attorneys general have alleged about how it works.
The longer term
- Follow their pace. Some survivors want to talk constantly for a period, then not at all for months. Both are normal.
- Do not make anniversaries into events unless they want that.
- Expect the disclosure to arrive in pieces. More details later is normal and is not a sign of inconsistency.
- Keep offering, without pressing. “The offer stands” is more useful than a plan.
- Believe them again later. Survivors often test whether the belief held.
Look after yourself, separately
Secondary traumatic stress is a documented phenomenon and it is common among family members. You may find yourself sleepless, intrusive-thinking, furious, or guilty about what you did not notice.
Get your own support, from someone who is not the survivor. They cannot be responsible for managing your reaction to what happened to them, and being asked to is its own burden. RAINN’s hotline at 800-656-4673 supports family members too.
Questions we are asked most
Start with three sentences and then stop talking: I believe you. It was not your fault. Thank you for telling me. Do not interrogate, do not ask why they did not say something sooner, and do not immediately propose a plan. The single most protective factor in recovery is being believed by someone who matters, and you can provide that in the first thirty seconds.
Almost never, and not before getting advice. It can put you or the survivor at risk, it can prompt destruction of evidence, it can compromise a criminal investigation, and it takes control away from the person it happened to. The impulse is completely understandable. Acting on it usually makes things worse.
If a child is in immediate danger, call 911. Otherwise: get them somewhere safe and away from the person, do not question them in detail, because repeated questioning by untrained adults can compromise a later forensic interview, and call the Childhelp hotline at 800-422-4453 or your local child advocacy center for guidance on what to do next in the right order.
You can require them to attend; you cannot require them to engage, and forcing it usually backfires. Better framing: therapy is not a punishment and not a verdict that something is wrong with them, it is a place to put things down. Offer choices (this therapist or that one, this week or next) so they retain some control, which is exactly what abuse took away.
If they are an adult, respect it, and say clearly that you will follow their lead about who knows. Their control over their own story is part of what was taken and part of what recovery restores. If they are a minor and currently at risk, protecting them takes priority, but tell them what you are doing and why, rather than going behind them. Some professionals are also mandatory reporters, which may take the decision out of both your hands.
Deliberately, and not by pretending you are fine. Secondary traumatic stress is real and it is common in the families of survivors. Get your own therapist rather than processing it with the survivor, who cannot be responsible for your reaction. RAINN's hotline supports family members, not only survivors. You will be more useful to them if you are not running on empty.
- RAINN guidance for friends and family of survivors.
- Childhelp National Child Abuse Hotline; National Children’s Alliance child advocacy center standards on forensic interviewing.
- Research on the protective effect of believing, supportive responses to disclosure on survivor outcomes.
- National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, CyberTipline.
